“Set a course for the simple and good and your struggle will be supported by the greatest powers in creation.”
– His Holiness , Bo Lozoff
Does it not drive you insane when you can’t find your pen? For the 5 seconds it takes me to locate it, it makes me crap out kittens, swear. I have one pen, & it’s a “flex pen” (which means it’s just got the plastic ink cartridge) so I’ve had to wrap it in layers of paper & toothpaste to sturdy it. Even on the outside, though, even with my machines, I’m still a paper & pen & longhand kind of human. My hand connected to the pen to the ink to the paper – it has this – it’s like painting with a brush & oils as opposed to using Photoshop.
The lost art of letter writing. We communicate via email, but emails just don’t have the sweet beauty, the simple heart of seeing the words scrawled in your friend’s unique scribble, does it?
Is it not sweet to get a “letter” as opposed to a computer-printed statement, &c? I’m going to write a letter to someone today, why don’t we all do it?! Do it quickly, cause gosh, things change & people go away.
I love this quote, ad mention Bo Lozoff, & I’m going to put it in my letter today & maybe you can too – it will make someone who needs to know how much you appreciate them feel it. It goes like this:
“May I truly cherish you today, knowing that this may be our last day together.”
– Bo Lozoff
Amen, Amen. Is that sweet or what? Gonna send a letter? Good for you, Jack!
So, this is an unorganized (kind of) blog entry (is “blog entry” the term? Isn’t there a hipper word like… “bloggy-doo” or “blog hat”? Lemme know), but, I’d started to write one and – gosh – I just wanted, instead, to toss out some gratitude, some warm fuzzys, as it were, instead of my normal old-testament-prophet-of-doom stuff. ‘Cause, if I’m in jail, using a pen wrapped in paper & toothpaste, and I have some peace of mind happenin’, well, shucks, partner, I reckon you can too. Yes?
So, some of this is gratitude & other stuff is just… other stuff. Like this – here at York County, they don’t let you sleep under a blanket after breakfast. Well some guards will let you, but not a lot. This month there’s a non-blanket CO running the day shift, Officer Anderson (oh – and this little old man sidekick CO, who is against using toilet paper for roses – “if i can’t wipe my ass with it, I’m confiscating it.”) But my cellie, Pee-Wee, is always getting under cover & Gosh – I keep throwing a blanket over me too. So every morning, Officer Anderson, walks in & says: “Well, I can see we have a situation here, boys! Don’t make me take those blankets, now! I’ve got people getting on my ass about this blanket situation! I’m takin’ heat, boys! This is a situation!” Crazy, right? Like, I’m this middle-aged guy, with Pee-Wee in the cell above me (Pee Wee, the slick 25-year old little bastard hardly ever gets caught) and I’m scrambling out from under the blanket (never quick enough). Like the powers that be are saying – “Well, we haven’t been able to find the source of weed floating ’round the pods, but at least we’re getting a handle on the blanket situation.” (oh, then the little old man says, “And I’m trying my hardest to stamp out this paper rose nazi, crap!”)
“We got a situation here, boys!”
No, I mean, the guards here, at Windham, at KCCF have all been pretty good, for the most part. At KCCF most of the guards I spoke with will even pray for you or your loved one if you ask. That’s righteous – There probably is someone at teh top who hates us being under blankets after breakfast. Although – I’ve found that most un-jailed citizens seem to comment the most about prisoners having cable TV. Like it’s to die for! “The bastards have cable for god’s sake! We got a situation here!”
“Jebus? I don’t even believe in Jebus! Help, me Jebus!!”
– Homer Simpson
I am a Jesus freak. You might not see it that way, with all the crazy shit I write, or that I justed used the word “shit” (God made shit! I mean, “poopys”), but I am. And I come down hard on peeps sometimes in here (I come down, what? on peeps?) or make fun of them, but I do regret, or over think a lot of it later.
Like CODC, I’m not even sure if I craped on CODC at all… I know I told you the piece about Justice Mills telling me to learn to be humble if I wanted to graduate, but that’s just what happened… in truth, without CODC I wouldn’t have a mission today, I wouldn’t be who I am today. If Nancy & Everett hadn’t let me into CODC – I don’t know what I’d be up to, but it certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with public service! Hah! I sit in the back row stoned & make fun of such things – or I used to. My Secret God put me in CODC to prepare me for the big mission, the Holsitic Vision – promoting a good life for those of us with illness, addiction, poverty & criminal tendencies. The Court may see me (& my brother, True-Dogg) as a failure to the program, but I truly am a successful CODC graduate. So to Nancy and her greek chorus – thank you! Hell, if they hadn’t called me uppity and arrogant, I might have become a house servant, a “gray coat.” Holy! I could have become a sobert snort like Carla!
Likewise, I have questions about the Augusta Girl song I wrote, or how angry I came across at Carol Caruthers and the NAMI machine. But, Hell, Carol! (No – I won’t start.)
But – you see, I don’t have a chance to edit myself, which is good. I just send this stuff off to Lyssarian & Twank. I’m not entering any of this onto the websphere myself – no computers here! And holy – I hope I’m not getting edited! Fuck, fuckitty, fuck-fuck-fuck. There – we’ll see if that makes it!
So, if anybody is responding to any of my egg blogs, reservoir blogs, landon blogs – I never get to read them. So for those of you ranting about how rage is a “Lysterine-swilling, donkey-fucking, cult leader who uses Holsitic soldiers to shoplift everready batteries for re-sale in Canada, that cock-sucker! It’s a Cult!” Well – all that may be true, I just don’t get to read it in order to agree with it.
– First letter of St. Paul to the Thessalonians
How can I be here, again, on the cment floor (stained red from the fruit punch Pee Wee & I dye our roses pedals with) against the wall & be grateful? With depression, even? It’s simple, really. If you’re mindful of everything, you’ll be grateful, by default. Journaling (writing in my diary, right?) has always been helpful. I was raised, trained to look for mistakes, leaks in the dam, so to speak. It’s easy to notice what went wrong, what didn’t get done. When I write it all down, though, I can see more clearly what is right and good. What did get done. What I have as opposed to what I don’t. Y’all know this story –
A long time ago, when we all lived in the forest, Rage walked down along through downtown Augusta. It was a beautiful sunny day, he was free, healthy, had money in his pocket, smoking a ciggie. And he was thinking, “God! Life sucks!” Well, not a week later, and Rage was in jail. And he thought about that beautiful day less than week previous and he couldn’t even recall why life had sucked, then. From his jail perspective – it was paradise! Why hadn’t he appreciated it?
I really try, not to take anything for granted today. Things change – in the blink of an eye. People go. You never know. I practice mindfulness as much as possible, really looking around (funny – to be truly mindful, I have to try to stay out of my circus mind!), really appreciating all of it. A few years ago when I was in jail (pre-CODC), I hated myself so much I cut my wrists. My supporters were few. Today, I sit on this beautiful floor in perfect health – Hell – if being forced to quit smoking for this long saves my life it was worth it! A recent exam – no STDs! Yee hee! We have spiritual seasons in our lives, just as there are seasons outside this facility, and spiritually, I have found my set & I am riding some sweet waves through this powerful season. And the people in my life – dig this quote:
“We are ever & always part of each other. We either walk into Heaven arm in arm, or we don’t enter at all.”
Again – ad mention, Sancti Bo.
I am surrounded by love & support & understanding (all the same thing, really), surrounded by the good energy that you send my way – and if I begin to list all of you (actually, I did try, & it just goes on & on… like an Oscar acceptance speech. Horrid!), my dear Tribal Family, the list would never end.
The list never does end.
I love you all, and especially you.
“What do you have that God hasn’t given you?”
– St Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, 4:7
Nothing. It’s all from God. What about the bad? Yes, even that. And in the light of where I am today, spiritually, was “the bad” really bad? Well, at times this suck factor has been pretty high up there, but in a sense, it’s all been perfect. Thank you, dear God.
So, let me end this feel-good bloggle, with some… I don’t know… extra. What am I reading? I’m done with “Deep & Simple” by Bo Lozoff (obviously), and the Human Kindness Foundation sent me a free copy of “Doing Time,” so I’ll start that tomorrow. What a great NPO they are (non-profit organization) – giving free books to prisoners & shit. (I would love for Holistix to be an uber-great NPO as well, but, I am on my 5th month waiting for “someone” to send me instructions & tips for completing the mission narrative. If this has to wait until I’m free, I will be fucking PISSED, similar to Ulyses when he got home… ah… sorry. I degress.) And I’m reading Numbers (ch1) and Romans (ch7) in the Bible, and… I finished this Anne Rice, “Lasher” novel which was great, but couldn’t really groove on her “Servant of the Bones.” And – oh… I’m reading, “Tribulation Force” one of this end-of-the-world books I used to devour when I was 14.
I’m still making roses, but it’s been a hard sell. Studying Spanish (“Bueno!”). Writing songs. Meditating (my breaths are SO slow & deep now – I’m like a giant sea turtle, swear.)
Okay. That’s all the time we have this week. I haven’t received any drug & alcohol counseling in 5 months and I’m still waiting on a psychiatrist. Let’s end with a quote:
“Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.”
– V. Raymond Edman
Love & riots,
P.S. Was there any point to the blanket story? If you liked it, leave a message on the Heartline. That’s 215-0565!